Well its about 6:30 on wed night and I'm still here in the lab and probebly will be for another 2ish hours.
Today has been one shit of a day.
I got chewed out again by the lab head and it was not pretty. I don't even know if I should shift the blame. Even for following stupid things he told me to do. New rule may be to question everything. I do still want to work in this lab I think, I'm just sick of fucking everything up and I'm getting a growing suspicion I may not be wanted here.
It looks like I'm going to start having a lot more days like this to at least give the impression I'm trying hard.
After the chew out scession we had another talk and I was asked if I really wanted to do this rotation. He keept asking me if there is anythig wrong. Then he said something about maybe having made a mistake with me. that probably hurt the most. I just don't know what's wrong with me lately. My science has been next to crap. My lab skills feel like they are just shit. Maybe I just got soft on fancy technology and equipment or I'm just not used to using the crappy stuff we have here, but it dosen't seem to be getting any better. My hands have always been better than anyone around me's and now I can barly even load a gel right.
I'm not really sure what to do. Giving up isn't an option and never will be. Going to a different lab is a possibility, but it's not much different than giving up. I just feel lost in my self.
I didn't really want to be staying late tonight. Maybe thats part of the key. Perhapse I'm to have no life but research, lab time, and a few moments in between to eat or bitch about my day. In a lot of ways this would be easier if I was entirly detached from the world. I've been there before, but I'm not sure if I can go back as who I am. It takes a hard edge to deal with the lonliness and I feel dull.
Also this is a bit off topic, but i need a ruler. Apparently we don't have any here in the lab. Probably should have gone down to the book store, but that only just occured to me and the store has long been closed.
I better sign off for the night before this gets any worse.
Today has been one shit of a day.
I got chewed out again by the lab head and it was not pretty. I don't even know if I should shift the blame. Even for following stupid things he told me to do. New rule may be to question everything. I do still want to work in this lab I think, I'm just sick of fucking everything up and I'm getting a growing suspicion I may not be wanted here.
It looks like I'm going to start having a lot more days like this to at least give the impression I'm trying hard.
After the chew out scession we had another talk and I was asked if I really wanted to do this rotation. He keept asking me if there is anythig wrong. Then he said something about maybe having made a mistake with me. that probably hurt the most. I just don't know what's wrong with me lately. My science has been next to crap. My lab skills feel like they are just shit. Maybe I just got soft on fancy technology and equipment or I'm just not used to using the crappy stuff we have here, but it dosen't seem to be getting any better. My hands have always been better than anyone around me's and now I can barly even load a gel right.
I'm not really sure what to do. Giving up isn't an option and never will be. Going to a different lab is a possibility, but it's not much different than giving up. I just feel lost in my self.
I didn't really want to be staying late tonight. Maybe thats part of the key. Perhapse I'm to have no life but research, lab time, and a few moments in between to eat or bitch about my day. In a lot of ways this would be easier if I was entirly detached from the world. I've been there before, but I'm not sure if I can go back as who I am. It takes a hard edge to deal with the lonliness and I feel dull.
Also this is a bit off topic, but i need a ruler. Apparently we don't have any here in the lab. Probably should have gone down to the book store, but that only just occured to me and the store has long been closed.
I better sign off for the night before this gets any worse.
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