Its the sart of another wonderul day annd the count down to Xmas. I really need a new word for this holiday.
In good news, every day I'm starting to feel like a new person. I feel like I'm slowly reclaiming my life. Its kind of funny how fast 3 years can go by and everything feels like just yesterday. I think I finally realized why.
I'm not the forgiving sort of person. When people wrong me I will take it to my grave or theirs as the case has been. My way to deal with problems like that is to forget them. I realized this yesterday, 5 years of history is just too much to forget. Memories are locked into every faccet of my life. Usually after relation ships end I tend to reinvent my self. I've lived an amorphic life for longer then I can remember. Changing forming reforming to become someone new. Its usually to become Mr. Right for someone new.
After about 4 years I fially let my guard down and was just me. I actualy like being me and its something I no longer want to give up. This creates a loop.
Forcably forget, actions items, ect come up because I'm still who I was, I don't want to give up being me, item, action, ect triggers memories, memories retrigger emotion, and I step back in time.
This is another problem, Time has never meant much to me. I feel kind of like Billy Profit from "slaughter house five". Everything tha has happened to me, that I remember, is all in a linear path, anytime I can step from the path and walk back to anywhere I have been and relive it. Most of my life is no big deal. Sure there were plenty of people I hate, but they no longer exist for me. Our interactions then are currently meaningless. I see I rationalize, I get back to the present.
Unfortunatly I seem to have unresolved/unresolvvable issues in this case. Unresolved because I didn't take the initiative then. Unresolvable because the other party has moved on and I no longer exist for her.
This leaves only one option. Forgive.
Strangly today there was a rerun of a howard stern show that helped in this matter. One of their workers had his wife of 3 years run away with another man. It was all kind of sad and hitting close to home, when he admited that he had an affair himself some 2 years part. Apparenty the wife hadn't been able to get over it. Everything sort of clicked after that. I never outright had an affair, but we broke up for a few months and in that time I met someone new. Apparently she never got over that.
We got back together and lived a ghost of a relaionship for then next 2ish years. I thought it was finally getting back to where things should be just before then end, but I guess I wasn't listening or hearing or I didn't know what to do about it.
Its kind of interesting what people really value. I'm still not exactly sure what is most important to me. I know that it isn't sex. If someone cheated on me I know I'd get over it. Sure I'd hate for a while and plan all sorts of wicked revenge, but in the end it just dosen't matter. People have carnal desires. Sex is one of those primal urges like food. I can't be overly pissed that who I'm with would rather have tacos tonight than the pizza I am serving.
So what is important? Love? I'm not even sure what love is any more. Not sure I really knew to begin with. I'm pretty sure I've moved from cases of infatuation to lust and back to infatuation again and again. A part of me isn't even really sure this thing called love exists.
Well this is getting long and I have lots more to say but I need to get some work done.
In good news, every day I'm starting to feel like a new person. I feel like I'm slowly reclaiming my life. Its kind of funny how fast 3 years can go by and everything feels like just yesterday. I think I finally realized why.
I'm not the forgiving sort of person. When people wrong me I will take it to my grave or theirs as the case has been. My way to deal with problems like that is to forget them. I realized this yesterday, 5 years of history is just too much to forget. Memories are locked into every faccet of my life. Usually after relation ships end I tend to reinvent my self. I've lived an amorphic life for longer then I can remember. Changing forming reforming to become someone new. Its usually to become Mr. Right for someone new.
After about 4 years I fially let my guard down and was just me. I actualy like being me and its something I no longer want to give up. This creates a loop.
Forcably forget, actions items, ect come up because I'm still who I was, I don't want to give up being me, item, action, ect triggers memories, memories retrigger emotion, and I step back in time.
This is another problem, Time has never meant much to me. I feel kind of like Billy Profit from "slaughter house five". Everything tha has happened to me, that I remember, is all in a linear path, anytime I can step from the path and walk back to anywhere I have been and relive it. Most of my life is no big deal. Sure there were plenty of people I hate, but they no longer exist for me. Our interactions then are currently meaningless. I see I rationalize, I get back to the present.
Unfortunatly I seem to have unresolved/unresolvvable issues in this case. Unresolved because I didn't take the initiative then. Unresolvable because the other party has moved on and I no longer exist for her.
This leaves only one option. Forgive.
Strangly today there was a rerun of a howard stern show that helped in this matter. One of their workers had his wife of 3 years run away with another man. It was all kind of sad and hitting close to home, when he admited that he had an affair himself some 2 years part. Apparenty the wife hadn't been able to get over it. Everything sort of clicked after that. I never outright had an affair, but we broke up for a few months and in that time I met someone new. Apparently she never got over that.
We got back together and lived a ghost of a relaionship for then next 2ish years. I thought it was finally getting back to where things should be just before then end, but I guess I wasn't listening or hearing or I didn't know what to do about it.
Its kind of interesting what people really value. I'm still not exactly sure what is most important to me. I know that it isn't sex. If someone cheated on me I know I'd get over it. Sure I'd hate for a while and plan all sorts of wicked revenge, but in the end it just dosen't matter. People have carnal desires. Sex is one of those primal urges like food. I can't be overly pissed that who I'm with would rather have tacos tonight than the pizza I am serving.
So what is important? Love? I'm not even sure what love is any more. Not sure I really knew to begin with. I'm pretty sure I've moved from cases of infatuation to lust and back to infatuation again and again. A part of me isn't even really sure this thing called love exists.
Well this is getting long and I have lots more to say but I need to get some work done.
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