Thursday, potential inlaws are comming in today, my brother is off for LA and I'm here at school.
Its been a busy day, which is why this is comming in so late. In good news my experiments from yesterday seem to have worked well. In less than good news, the presentation I was working on is all crap and needs to be redone. It should be a good learning experience though.
In worse news, the grant proposal which I turned in for my other class, sucked every bit s much as I though it did and almost got me a C in the cource. I can't begin to say how pissed I am with my self. Another class I stuck it out in all semister and tried my best in all of it exept for the paper, which of cource was worth almost the whole grade of the class. I don't know why I screw stuff up right at the end like this. I will still have a B average I think so I'm not in a failing out range, but it dosen't look good.
Also I got one last kick in the pants from Pfizer. Apparently this year they aren't giving any of their not so spendy holiday gifts to any terminated emploeys. This is the first year they haven't done this. My friends who left last year and left earlier than I did, still got gifts. Well a big fuck you to PFE. Anyone who reads this and is concidering working there, Don't.
In good news I did come up with a decent story idea, which isn't just a world, like many of my last ideas have been. I'm going to flesh it out some and try to send it into Anotherealm.com. I'll let you all know when it goes in.

Well I have a lot to read and need to try to get home a bit early to do somefinal cleaning before anyone comes over. Happy new year to all if I don't get to post again.

Well its Wensday. I'm back off of vacation and ever so excited to be back at school/work. That is if I could jjust stay awake. Thats probably thhe hardest art about comming back is rearranging your schedual. Too used to staying up until after midnight and sleeping til 8 or 9 am. getting up at 6:40 was rough and thats even late for what I usually do.

On monday me abd BZ too a trip to wallmart and bagged us a whole bunch of sleds. Then we met up with my Fam and spent the day racing down a hill at break but speeds. I say break but because there were a lot of hidden rocks and the plastic on the sleds was pretty thin so my tail bone took a pounding. It was marvelous fun thogh. For anyone just a few years away from a mid life crisis I can't recoment it enough.

I had some wild dreams last night but can't remember them now. All I know is there was lots of comebat and they were bizar. Maybe I was fighting rugs or something. Who knows.

Watched Anchorman 'the story of Ron Burgandy' last night. It was pretty good. Some of it was a bit over the top, but the rest was hysterical. And the guest appearances were fantastic.

Thats about it for now. Off to get some stuff done before anyone gets in.
Though I thnk its just me and the boss today. Yikes.

well, another xmas come and gone. I think my grinching begins a little easier. All those shopping people, the lists of presents from who knows where, the people who don't give you a list and magically want you to come up with the perfect gift from things they have randomly pointed out over the year. I think next year I'm just going to give people wiskey and advil. That way they have some thing to help them deal with me and something to make them feel better in the AM.

I did get a kick ass sword, a weight set, a new D&D book and a sizable check from my parents to help me get the appt at school.

I saw King Arthor last night. For a movie about knights and stuff it was really quite borring. There were really only two fight scenes and a lot of space inbetween. I do fine it kind of funny that it pretends to be the "real" story of king arthor. It even starts with some quote from archeologists, then jumps right into hollywood suckfest. Why is it in films like this that the cool guys usually die. I'f you're the bad ass who fights with 2 swords chances are you're going to eat it. IF you're the whiny baby of the group you're almost garunteed to survive. Thats not how it should be.

Hmm I had a lot more to say but the morning is working its self along slow. Morning now extends un til about 11am.

Oh and for who ever has found the need to pick out all of the words I misspell, you can just bite me.
I maybe setting aside my skills of revenge for one occation, but that dosen't mean the rest of you out there get to go free.

Mwhahahahahahah!!!

Ok, well dinner for tonight is off so I may get to leave a smidge early and I cemented in my day off for tomorow.

not too much exciting going on here. Waiting for a gel to dry so I can expose it to film. Just fnished writing up a labeling reaction procedure. Contemplating the mysteries of life, like how do manage a' tois happen?
In the movies they only seem to happen when three people get stuck in some sort of situation together with lots of sexual tension and usually they are sleeping with one another anyway.
In porn films...well they happen just about any time there are 3 people in the same room together.

But in real life how do they occur? I've read plenty of nuddie book stories of the happening, usually following a game of strip poker or sometimes on birthdays with agirlfriend and her hot friend.
Maybe I'm just real dense.

I've played strip poker before and could have hooked up after if I had played my crads better (figurativly not literally), but I'm not really sure how the game started. Some one was like hey you want to play and there were two good looking gals there so I was in.

I've also been in a 3 some before, but again I'm not really sure how it happened. There was booze involved, yikes, doing tea cup sized shots of jaggermeister (these were literal tea cups). So I start kissing one of the girls there. Then I starts kissing the other one. Then they kiss and the rest is history.

At this stage of life the chance to play strip poker and hardcore drinking parties don't come up that often. Not that they were that prevalent before...well maybe the drinking parties. So have oppertunities entirly passed me by? Or have random oppertunities just passed by.

This does remind me of a story one of the guuys in the lab was telling us the other day about a friend of his (yeah, a friend of a friend). Apparently he and his wife got invited to a party. When they get there they realize (it was probably hard to miss) that it was a sex toy party. Lines of plastic faluses and holes in which to stick things in, buzzing, huming, glow in the dark, and every color of the rainbow, and even some colors notin the rainbow. Also there were quite a few attractive people there, but I don't think they stayed much beyond when the hostess brought out some monster sized dildo and claimed it was the greatest thing she owned. Apparently the sex party virgin couple mistook the invitation which specified "Adult" party to simply mean no children.

Again these are things I hear about, sex toy parties, lingurie parties, orgies. All of them seem just beyond reality to me. Maybe I just have prudish friends or maybe I give of the "Prude vibe". You never want to be that guy(or gal). Its a stigmata worse than most.

Well back to work.

Well here I sit on thursday the 23rd, what should have been a day off. I guess soe part of me is embracing the grad student mentality or ellse I'd still be at home telling the dog to stop nosing me.
Results fro yesterday were interesting apparently one component of my reaction is very touchy. Any little bit more or less and it dosen't work.
1$ to anyone who can guess which one it is.

No real dreams last night or great insites this AM. I did what I could to focus on thoughts of forgiveness. Its hard for me to do that and not shift to become a spirit of goodness. If I switch then the whole thing won't be real and I'll be back where I was in a few months.
I beleive this will be my biggest goal. And no its not some crappy new years resolution which I'll give up almost as quick as I make it. I need to do this in order to get on with my life. I won't be a miserable slave to someone who I no longer exist for, nor will I be a miserable slave to revenge.
Revenge is a funny thing and something I am very good at. I have information at my disposal, I have photos and items, I have mystical powers. I have no doubt that I can make someone's life pure aggony. but what is the point?

heheheh does this mean I'm finally growig up?
Yikes, some thing else I've been putting off for as long as I could.
Grown ups suck. They are borring.
Growing up is admitting that you have limitations and not just silly things like, you can't fly. Growing up is admitting that you can't make a difference in the world, that your oppinion really dosen't count, happily ever after is just taxes and bills. So go sell that sports car and buy a minivan, trade in your dice bag for a balanced checkbok, throw out the toys and get some appliances.
Its a very sad sad time.

Bloody hell!!!
Well there you have it and so much for my day off. I was hoping a 3hr exposure was going to be enough to show what I wanted to see on the photo plate I used. Alas it was not. Which means I need to do an over night exposure. which means I need to come in tomorow. so I might as well run the gel of the samples I made today, instead of holding them until next monday.
With luck I will still be able to take a half day.

Giant Drat. I was really looking forward to a day off :(

Maybe I'll go home early today too.

Its come to be like a ghost town here. Most of the labs I go by are empty at least of grad students. All my palls have bailed for the next two weeks. And here I sit, pissing and moaning.
Blarg!!

And so the boss wants to do dinner or drinks or something tomorow night so there goes getting out early :(

Having a pretty decent day in the lab. Getting a lot done and not making too many errors. Unfortunatly it looks like I will have to come in tomorow and not have a day off like I was planning.

I'm not realy sure where to pick up from on my big rant below.
I tend to start wiith an idea for something like that and just see where it goes. Any new thoughts usually have to be worked through a few times before I get them right.

Oh I forgot to mention, more from "mirror mirror", which is still sucking BTW. As someone mentioned before it is the story of snow white, but a crappy suck ass version of it. First off, its set in Italy and all of the characters have these really long italian names, which is really annoying. Secondly its riddled with bits of christian mythos, lance of longenius, a branch from the tree of knowlege, ect. Apparently the Author couldn't think of a better place to get an apple from.
Third, apparently Dwarfs are rocks. Yes you heard me. They are rocks, sucky rocks and all they do is babble about being ricks and how they need the 8th dwarf to make things right. Well he finally showed up and guess what. The rocks forgot all about him. What the shit? Fucking stupid rocks.
Oh and apparently they are the ones who made the mirror, which has only just shown up in the 5th of 6 tapes. The whole things just reeks of a lack of creativity. This chump had a crappy idea for a story and knew no one would ever buy it due to a very high suck factor. So he mixes it in with the Snow white story because he knows people will concider reading that. Pisses me off.

Well back to work.

Its the sart of another wonderul day annd the count down to Xmas. I really need a new word for this holiday.
In good news, every day I'm starting to feel like a new person. I feel like I'm slowly reclaiming my life. Its kind of funny how fast 3 years can go by and everything feels like just yesterday. I think I finally realized why.
I'm not the forgiving sort of person. When people wrong me I will take it to my grave or theirs as the case has been. My way to deal with problems like that is to forget them. I realized this yesterday, 5 years of history is just too much to forget. Memories are locked into every faccet of my life. Usually after relation ships end I tend to reinvent my self. I've lived an amorphic life for longer then I can remember. Changing forming reforming to become someone new. Its usually to become Mr. Right for someone new.
After about 4 years I fially let my guard down and was just me. I actualy like being me and its something I no longer want to give up. This creates a loop.
Forcably forget, actions items, ect come up because I'm still who I was, I don't want to give up being me, item, action, ect triggers memories, memories retrigger emotion, and I step back in time.
This is another problem, Time has never meant much to me. I feel kind of like Billy Profit from "slaughter house five". Everything tha has happened to me, that I remember, is all in a linear path, anytime I can step from the path and walk back to anywhere I have been and relive it. Most of my life is no big deal. Sure there were plenty of people I hate, but they no longer exist for me. Our interactions then are currently meaningless. I see I rationalize, I get back to the present.
Unfortunatly I seem to have unresolved/unresolvvable issues in this case. Unresolved because I didn't take the initiative then. Unresolvable because the other party has moved on and I no longer exist for her.
This leaves only one option. Forgive.

Strangly today there was a rerun of a howard stern show that helped in this matter. One of their workers had his wife of 3 years run away with another man. It was all kind of sad and hitting close to home, when he admited that he had an affair himself some 2 years part. Apparenty the wife hadn't been able to get over it. Everything sort of clicked after that. I never outright had an affair, but we broke up for a few months and in that time I met someone new. Apparently she never got over that.
We got back together and lived a ghost of a relaionship for then next 2ish years. I thought it was finally getting back to where things should be just before then end, but I guess I wasn't listening or hearing or I didn't know what to do about it.

Its kind of interesting what people really value. I'm still not exactly sure what is most important to me. I know that it isn't sex. If someone cheated on me I know I'd get over it. Sure I'd hate for a while and plan all sorts of wicked revenge, but in the end it just dosen't matter. People have carnal desires. Sex is one of those primal urges like food. I can't be overly pissed that who I'm with would rather have tacos tonight than the pizza I am serving.
So what is important? Love? I'm not even sure what love is any more. Not sure I really knew to begin with. I'm pretty sure I've moved from cases of infatuation to lust and back to infatuation again and again. A part of me isn't even really sure this thing called love exists.

Well this is getting long and I have lots more to say but I need to get some work done.

Hmmm, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, contemplations of who I was/am/will be and I must say, I don't like what I see.
I don't know if its that I hate myself or hate what I've become, but its there starring at me in the mirror every time I look.
Why am I looking now. There could be many reasons. MY past is catching up with me. Forgotton sins returning to take their natural revenge.
For some reason I just can't seem to get by it all. Its llike my destiny is no longer in my hands, as if the stars now controll me. Oh Mercury won't you shift your orbit so that I may have a happier, more fufilled life.

Wait for it...

Wait for it....


Wait.......

Now, see there we go. I'm back to being totally kick ass. And alll the stars can bite me, especially Tia Carrere and Claudia Black.

Astrology blows, just like your mom! Yikes, perish the though.
I don't really get all of the "your mom" jokes. they are the kind that seem funny till you think about them. Most people don't have MILFs for mothers. Most people have MIHTSN (Mother's I'd Hate To See Nakid). So if you want to make jokes about getting it on with someone's mom, go ahead, your loss buddy.
Now your hot sister, she is another story :)
(that only applies to those of you with hot sisters)
(or slutty sisters)
(as long s she isn't hideous)
(or she dosen't mind wearing a bag on her head)

Have you ever tried having sex with a bag on your head? Its not easy.

I forgot to add to yesterday that I had some crazy dream in the morning about fighting dragons. I don't remember much about it except the last dragon I was fighting was a green dragon and I kicked his ass. I rock in dream world.

I got a decent amount of work done yesterday, radio labeled some DNA, "Thats Hot" Literally.
Last night I watched "Boondock Saints". It was a totally ass kicking film. Lots of bad one liners and humor mixed in with bad guy stomping. In lookig up Sean Patric Flannery, Flattery, something like that I found they are making a sequal to it, which in some ways is kind of dissappointing. What ever happened to all of the great stand alone films. Now a days if a film dosen't have a sequal or two then it must have kind of sucked. Films that really suck usually get sequals, and Sequalls that suck so bad they could pull a golf ball through 12 feet of garden hose always get sequals, which often suck even more.

I have a few ideas I'm working over in my mind. Nothing solid enough to comment on yet, but maybe soon. I think I'm working myself back into a state of vitality. It feels kind of good after living a ghost life.
What I really need is to find the essence of desire again.
When you don't want anything you only get what is given to you.
I need to once again say, "Hey buddy, return to sender!"

Well its an exciting snowy monday. I couldn't get out of the house until almost noon and even then the drive in was wicked.
This weekend went pretty well. I didn't get much school work done, as most weekends are, but I did come in on sat. to check on some stuff. My science does seem to be going well enough.
Last night I got the extended version of LotR "return of the King" and I must say it was fantastic. Peter Jackson is an absolute genuis. The cuts that were made you would almost never notice. But with those pieces restored its just phenemonal.
What is an interesting point in this film as in the others is the visualization of Hollywood's Discrimination toward Halflings.
Any place where hobbits kick ass is cut from the theatrical version qand anything that makes elves look good is left and often expanded on. If you notice Legolas's stunts in each film get more and more darring, while the halflings are made out to be more and more useless. Well that all changes in the full length versions of the films. All the bad ass hobbit moves are back. I'd list some but I don't want to spoil it for all of you slackers who haven't picked up the new one yet.

Oh I also picked up I-robot. Review will come following my viewing of it. I have a feeling the term "I-suckbot" will be used numberous times.

Pound pound pound, Thats what my head was doing this morning when I got up showered and roled off to work.
Off to work you might ask, but its saturday and its the start of xmas vacation.
Yeah the irony is not lost on me. I don't think I'm going to be having much of a vacation.
I will say that besides the headache, I'm feeling much better than last night. Much better than I have in a while. I awoke to passive tranquility and lucidity. This is after the dream.
In this morning's dream, I was with BZ. And for some reason she mentioned that we needed to get a tractor mower, which is kind of funny and odd since my yard can be hand mowed in about 10 minuites. Well the tractor seemed like a good idea to me and thankfully I had seen signs on the way home about some place that was having a sale on tractors 20% off I think. We talk about going, but then get lazy. Yeah this is us we're talking about.
So the next day I'm late for work and as I'm driving I realize I'm going past where the sale is taking place so I decide to swing in.
Now where this ends up being is the parking lot for new london high school and thhere are a bunch of tractor mowers parked here and there on display. The sales man acts like some loony used car guy, and looks kind of like denis quaid from christmas vacation, he even has one of those hats with ear flaps.
I ask him to see a tractor and tell him I don't need a big one. He shows me this tiny shitty red tractor which looks kind of like one my parents used to own, but with smaller tires so it rides real low. Then he quotes me a price of about 1K which is nuts. This is already with the 20% off. He gives me some big story about how this is as cheap as they get and shows me the invoice and sure enough, the cheapest tractor he has is about 1K and they go up from there.
Also on this invoice paper are pictures of some paintball equipment. So I ask him about them and apparently he also sells paintball stuff here. The markers are all home maid and look like big cartoon guns. I test fire one a few times before it breaks a ball and needs to be dissassembled. When I pul the hopper of I can see that there are some really big sized balls in it, which apparently this gun fires balls of all different sizes. So I pitch him the idea of making a bazooka instead of thi peice of crap he is selling. I've seen paintball bazookas and they are kind of cool and seel pretty well for senerio games. This is where the dream ends.
Welll I need to get going before I'm stuck here all day.

I've hit the point where I can't see straight. So this posting must come to an end.
But let me place a warning to all.
What lies below are the semi deranged writing od a fairly drunk, mildly depressed man.
If you don't want to taste of the inner workings of my mind, do not proceed.
There are a lot of things you don't want to know. Some of which may be written below so stop reading.
This is your warning.

PS if you decide to read start from the bottom, where I was les drunk and making more sence.
Maybe.
I'm still pissed I lost the first post.
Maybe I should pick up the phone.

the spinning is getting worse. My face is warm now. I have a feeling I won't be able to type much longer. Though my fingers seem to be flying.
All those words of wisdom I usually have are lost to me.
I wish I could cry. I can synch with film and become the emotion, but itws not the same thing. When I think of my life, a general knumbness washes over me. I cease to feel, to be.
I used to know the future. I coudl see it as the dreams of norm. Now my dreams are only nightmares.
I yearn to pick up the phone.
But I can't.
I have nothing to say. There is nothing to say. There was nothing worth saying when it happened. Now its far too late. It was too late when the last call was made. I was too busy playing my game to try.
Fucking games.
And then there was the fall.
Falls are like that. They do all the work them selves. All you have to do is not try. The world can shape its self around you.
I'm sick of love.
Maybe life is nothing more than one lusty encounter after another. A series of random events.
All my random ness is far out of reach. There was one time it was at beck and call. I miss the essence of beauty. Living in nothing more than the moment. HAving ties to nighting but desire.
I can still feel that sometimes. Wanting someone, having someone, just to know you are still alive. To see the infintesimal beauty of a single second and in the eyes of a virgin on to you.
I'm 28 now and the world has proclaimed that I have entered the age of fall.
Divorce is rampant. I see one and now they seem to sprout like misquitos in a pool os stagnent water. So I travel in time back to the world of 22-25 and sea untouched beauties.
I remember going through what they do now.
The fall of goodness. The days you learn the world isn't what you have been lead to beleive.
this is why so many people get divorced. They find someone who takes their breath away. and jump in. After a year or so all thos ecute little things their partner does, thatb once were cute are just annoying. Hot chicks get fat. Smart guys become dumb. The motivated become complacent.
So find some one, you can stand. Don't find yourself someone your girlfriends want. Don't marry a looker.
Fuck, I'm losing my thoghts.

I always laugh when I see those people on TV, "Why has god forsaken me." Life is forsaken. Nothing is, everything just appears to be.
Its nights like this I'm glad I don't own a gun and I'm still too much of a coward to comitt hariekarie. For the weak of hear this is a good place to stop reading.
The key board is finaly starting to spin. Maybe I'll pas out before I have to finish this.
this is what they call masacistic. I know people who will read this, but I write anyway. I know the problems it will cause yet I must post.
More drink.
Fuckers keep pinging my computer.
I would talk to people I know but there is no one.
My old friends have vanished. My schol friends are al home for the holidays. I think I'm going in to work tomorow. My online friends are no where to be found.
Everyone has a life. I would be happy for them if I could.
I think I've even lost my misery.
Emotions are the way of the wind. They flow around you and lift your hair or your skirt to portrait something you are not, but its gone as soon as it comes.
I really hate happy people. Its a god thing I surrpond myself with such misery. Misery is easily created you know. People are easy to read. You know them, know what they want. Then simply, you just don't give it to them.
I miss living, being real.
Its something I gave up some 15 years ago.
It was then I stoped being ryan and became something more, something less.
DEath is only the beginning and one that horid spring, I was born.
I miss feeling. I miss happiness.
Everything is just a sham now.
Smile and nod.
The world keeps turning. And so it goes.
Things start to get blurry here.
IF this was a real attempt, I'd go mix meds. Well actually now, a real attempt would involve blood leting. There are certain things that are irreversable, or at the very least, very hard to undo. Sharp impliments, soft innards all that. Anyone who goes for the pills is a pussy. ITs just a cry for help.
Hell IF I was wanting a cry for help it would be stupid to just post it on a blog. By the time anyone read it it would be too late. Or I'd just wake up a mess. Its mard to poison your self with common household stuff. Over the counter drugs suck. The are made to keep you alive and not hurt you in high doses. Hell most people taking them take mroe than they should.
not really sure where all that was going

Van Helsing, some mindless violence is always good.
They are probably sitting at home. Cuddling, loving, watching romantic comedies. Here I sit cuddling a green glass bottle. Life is unfair.
That is the true lesson. Go out find the love of your life, find your soul mate, but thats only real until you find someone better. Then just drop that old guy. Who needs needless baggage.
Fucking lugage.
I'm so sick of it.
Life is a circle. Everything you are you will be again.
Hell I can't even cry anymore. Its been almost 3 years now. 3 years ago on a night like this I just went numb. "I still say we would have had beautiful babies" The fucking words ring in my head.
I'm just empty and cold now.
No more real hate.
No more love.
No passion.
I am a robot.
I move through life on reflex reaction.
Nod, smile, laugh, joke, life is nothing more that a series of programed responces.
I need to start over before all this is lost.

This is my second attempt tonight. I just lost over a page of text. I'm a few drinks further that I was when I last started. Its too bad I had a lot there i can't get back.
Misery, thats how it began.
I sit here working my way through chivas regal and some shitty scotch lager. A cinderella story is playing. I don't think i have emotions outside film.
I made a mistake earlier. I went searching.
When you search, your more likely to find what you want and you feel all the worse for it.
Fucking people.
I hate them with a passion.
Damn happy people.
"I was on a ski trip and saw this cute guy sitting accross from me, but I thought he was married. Apparently he wasn't and now we get to live happily ever after. Oh yeah there may have been some people in my past, but they don't exist any more."
Fucking hell.
Trust. Trust is bull shit. Take al you can steal hearts minds souls and everything else you can. Use people and drop them. Thats the true moral to this story.
I've been refraining from picking up the phone.
Its geting easier as I write. Al the lovely things I would say...all so meaningless. Because thats how it is. Nothing has any meaning.
I need to change disks.

fuck, my comp just got pinged and I just lost a long post.

This is the first chance I've had to put anythign down today.
Its been on of those days that just don't stop.
Its also been one of those days where nothing goes right.
More stupid mistakes, changes of plan, mass amounts of time wasted looking up and formating the wrong stuff. I'm greatly looking forward to the weekend and also thinking I'm going to have to come in over the weekend. I have a feeling I'm not going to be taking much of a winter break. there is just too much to do.
Focus has been becoming harder and harder.

Plus I've got stupid xmas songs stuck in my head :P

Well I was able to touch upon the optimal level of depression last night and got a little writing done. Unfortunatly since it took me about 20 minuites to find the peice I wanted to do I didn't get as much done as I would have liked. Still progress is progress. I'm also finding writing unmedicated is very difficult. Every little noise in the house pulls me from productive state and back to the real world. You just can't write romantic fantasy when the dog keeps poking you in the leg with her nose.

Going out to lunch today to celebrate birthdays for JB and Andy so that should be fun.
I have a bit of science to do, but not too much. I want to establish some better controls for my experiment.

Only one more day left until the end of the week and I take a little time of for the holidays.

Oh and as I was taking the trash out this AM, stupid dog decides she needs to run outside and go for a stroll. So I burned a few minuites chasng her around. Damn dog is fast.

Ride in wasn't too bad. My new book, "Mirror mirror" is quite bad, at least as an audio book. The character's names are not easy to remember, the book often has long bouts of poetry stuck randomly in it, and the plot often seems needlessly complex. So I'm not really sure what is going on in the story. It seems to be set in italy some times and some fantasy land others. It might allso be that I'm just not tha interested in keeping up with it all.

The slow of morning
I remember when my mornings started around 6am. I was up and in at my desk and quite often doing something work related.
Now my mornings begin around 9am. I sometimes get in by 8:30 ish but then by the time I'm at my desk its closer to 9. Its 10 now or very close to it and it still feels like early morning. So much enegry wasted I can't even begin to describe. I can't just robot this work eithor. Every day is something new and I need to think. I could robot Pfizer without even a second thought. GMP work is like that. Learn the rules that govern it and you're set until the rules change and even then its only modifications of the rules you know. I don't like how my creativity has suffered. Any free time I have now is wasted, resting, watching TV, or sorting through the gutters of the internet.
The net used to be a portal to information for me. I read sites of world news, debate, creative writing, and gaming. Now its just a place of cheap depravity.
A change is emminant.

Last night was a big waste of time. I went down to NYC for an RNAi confrence. Phil Zamore spoke. Fr those of you who don't know, he is one of the two leading guys in RNAi and will probably receive the nobel prize within the next few years. His talk was all stuff recycled from his papers. It was like going to a stuid biochem lecture where the pprof reads off her notes, which you have a copy of in front of you. After The illusterious Zamore spoke, there were two structural guys, structural guys look at protein, DNA, or RNA structure, they make up all these little modles of how the Atoms fit together, its kind of like an erector set where you have a bunch of straight peices screwed together in a row, but then you can still bend it to make different sapes and stuff. Strucural guys can see actual protein, DNA, RNA structures using NMR (nuclear magnetic resonance immaging like MRI, the things doctors use to scan people) or X-ray crystalography (make a crystal form of the molecule, think making salt or sugar crystals, then shooting it with Xrays to see what it looks like). This is how they prove what the structure is. Instead of real Data, these guys just had model after model. Now the models were soe what interesting, but all in all mean nothing.
So all in all big waste of time.

A bit annoyed about that. There was lab work I could have finshed and sleep I could have used.

So far nothing of real interest to report about today.

Also did I mention how much I hate this holiday?
It seems like every year I try to give it up and every year I get draged back into it.
I hate the real holiday behind the nonsence.
I hate more the Foolish christian ransacking of a pagan holiday.
I hate the bullshit Halmark/Toys'R' Us pillaging of some nonsence Religious nonsence.
Fucking spirit of giving,
Fucking togetherness,
Fucking angles in the outfield, (that movie blew, not sure why it was mentioned but this is as good a place as any)

This year all I want is for some one to show up at my door, peg me with a snow ball and scream, "End of the year Loser, Sucks to you!!!"

If its a yellow snow ball there will be hell to pay!!

The Day just seems to get better and better.
I got my biochem grade back, B-
So I passed but just barly. That totally blows. I should have gotten a B>>B+ if I hadn't of punked out on that last test.
Pissed only begins to describe it. To spend all of the time I did studying for the first two tests for all of it to be wasted because of the third. this is not how I wanted to start out my term here. :(

Last night was my last class. We went over our grant proposals.
The first 8 or so alll had about 10 minuite discussions about them. Then we started to run out of time. My proposal came up. My review:
Reviewer 1: Hated it.
Reviewer 2: Hated it.

Discuaaion: none.

Nice.

Today I'm off to NYC for a confrence on RNAi, very cool stuff. Its kind of nice to go to these things and talk to the other science big wigs. Most of these people don't have a life beyond thir work so in some ways its kind of scary.
The further you go the more people are the same.
The truth is in the pudding.

Run run as fast as you can......
No where to run no where to hide.....
People are watching....

Do you know what it feels like to have people spying on you? Checking up on you? Reading your mind?
I feel like I have one of those mood rings on 24-7 (I hate that phrase) and everyone is always staring at it. Oh its purple now, we had better do something about that. Wait, its red. Did you just look at me? Did I make it red? Why don't I make you blue or green?

People say that everyone needs an outlet. Outlets tend to shock you if you get too close to them.

Always keep your distance. Arms length? A ten foot pole? Restraining orders are for 100 feet?

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but that leaves no room for you.

Why does tension soound like white noise? You can't actually hear it but it slowly dulls the rest of the world to the point that all you can hear is the beating of your own heart.
Thump thump, thump thump, thump thump....
It gets louder and Epinephrin runs through your veins. Fight or flight, fight or flight.
Wait too long and the choice is always made for you.
Fight or flight.

Fear tastes like copper.

Oh I forgot to add. I recieved a package from my canadien friends. I love those kids.
In it was a home made video of bits of their lives and a little fake out on some jello wrestling. Quite thhe dissappointment about the wrestling, but the rest is marvelous.

Now I must aptly plan my revenge :/

Well its another stunning monday. Once again I'm feeling like crap after another weekend of wasteful decidance. I think thats part of my problem. When I'm given too much free time I tend to beleive I deserve a break for the husstle bustle of my normal life. This menas I usually spend my free time laying on the couch watching mindless tv and eating crap foods.
This seems to happen most weekends and this last one was no acception.
I make it through a week of eating fairly well. Proper rest. And removing of certain distractions to cleanse my mind.
The weekend kicks off with Pizza and ice cream and staying up until 5AM after about an hour of "distraction".
Oh there was also a good D&D game friday night, but that was before everything started falling apart.

Today I woke up in dream parelesis, looping through my past. I'm so tired of being tied to my past. Always the same, running numbers, all that could have been, should have been. Why I can never remember that through mystical energies I was the one who tore it apart. Maybe because its hard to beleive whats right in front of you. Or because I changed my mind after making the cast. Nothing matters.

I got an email from a friend of mine today saying he is getting a divorce, "And so it goes". His marrage never seemed overly happy or unhappy to me, though when gamers marry people who don't like gaming I think it tends to become an issue.

Its some what hard to think today. I almost passed out 4 or 5 times on the ride in again. It seems like it only taes the loss of a little sleep to put me in that state and with an hour ride its a long time to force your self to be awake.

Well I need to get a bit done before people come in.

Well its Holiday party time and apparently my lab sgned up for the booze.
As new initiate to the lab I get sent on the run, to return with 102$ in liquor. Of cource about half of that 47$ was all for one bottle of scotch. Absolute crazyness.

The assotment looks pretty good, some guines and bass, harpoon IPA, a few micro brews, and even some mikes hard limeaide. The bad part was lugging it all up from the parking lot. It feels like a bunch of muscles are still out of wack.

Tonight is D&D and I'm pretty psyched. I'm still running a book adventure, but a lot fo cool stuff has the potential of happening. It should be a nice lead into the big battle I am planning out for next time.
Bad news is it looks like two of our players are punking out, which sucks especially since they are people I don't usually get to see outside of the game any more. hopefully thigns will work out.

I touch the fire and it freezes me.
So burn baby burn
To all we will learn.

Dreams came this morning:
I was being followed by this group of unrully teens. We started off on some mountain road, the winding type you see people driving up in the movies. One of these punks pulls a knife.

Reset.

We're at the beack now. Me and a few friends. The punk kids show up. (This is punk is the derogatory sence, not the fashoin or music.) Some words are exchanged and a fight breaks out. I beat down two of them without evenn breaking a sweat. The same knife kid steps up behing me, but I know he is there. I turn in a single motion catching his knife hand and slab the blade from his grasp. Then I orchestrate a beating he won't soon forget.

This will teach those crappy dream demons not to mess with me. Or if they really want to send some one worth while. Don't waste my time wth punks.

Well it was better than the dream yesterday, where I was trying to shave, but my beard was growing too high on my face, just below my eyes. It was kind of freaky. I don't want to be a wolf man.

Oh we have hit a second point in trust and lack there of.
Fear and lack of self worth will bring the world down around you.

In good news, I learned a secret. but I'll never tell. Well maybe not ever.

And in other news I am currently on day 5 of a new 40 D&N. This is the point where the climb gets really steep. Anyone can do 5 days (unless they have some sort of disorder). After that the wanting begins to step in. Your body starts to feel need again.
It is easy to just ignore this need, but then you're just repressing and not being true to the task. Need requires embrasing, driving. This is why recovering Alcoholics usually keep some liquor around. It keeps the object of necessity just withing reach with only your will to keep you from taking it.

I feel nicely fired up today.

How to be Evil, Lesson 1:

Today I recieved of all useles things, a chain letter. Ammusingly enough it was one I have seen many times going all the way back to sophmore year of college.

"I usually don't send these things out, but this one really works. Bill gates is sharing his fortune. My friend the lawyer said he has to make good on what this email says or he will get sued. or My friend called up microsoft and they said its true. and My friend did it and she just got a check last week for boucoup bucks...yadda yadda yadda"

An interesting thing about chain letters, they have to be sent on to continue the annoyance of their existance. If you don't send it out, the pain dies with you.

Unfortunatly people are complete and utter morons. They beleive and even if they don't beleive they send it out anyway, just in case.
Well people its payback time.
Everyone who was dumb enough to send this letter out and not erase their email from it is about to be placed onto every nasty porno spam email list I know.
And for those of you stupid enough to send this crap out from a work email...
I hope you enjoy having your boss come ask you why you have just recieved 30 emails from Farm sluts, girls who blow goats, transexual bondage, spankings with spam and other fun titles.

All Shall Feel my Wraith, Hahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!

Grad School 2 "The frenchman strikes back"

Well the boss is back today and back on the war path. He just pulled the two other lab guys into his office and the door is shut. this can only spell bad news. I don't think I'll get my turn on the chopping block today, since I just got my new assignment last night, but you never know.
The smell of fear is wafting through the air.
I'm glad I rememebred to wear deoderant.

PS not really sure if the boss is french, but it works for me.

Well I got half of the computer room cleaned up last night. If you saw what sape it was in you would know that the job required 2 days.
I got more info on the project I will be working on yesterday. It has to do with microRNA inhibitors. So cool, I get to learn some new techniques and probably hae about a week of learning time before I start getting yelled at.

The drive has ben getting longer and longer. With the onset of bad weather, bad driving is all the rage. I really want to get this damn appartment deal sealed up.

Not too much else to report as of now.

I think I'm losing my rep. I've been too nice to people lately. I got called a nice boy today, geeze. There used to be a time when people knew I was evil. Its the kind of thing you can just see when you look into an evil being's eyes. They irradiate fear and send shivvers down your spine.
Lately I feel like a teedy bear: big, fluffy, and just waiting to had out hugs like candy canes at xmas time.
I miss being evil. Its a feeling of pure power and determination. Evil is in essence unrestrained desire. Doing what ever it takes to get what you want. I have been a spirit of goodness so long I feel like I have forgotten wanting.
I used to bend reality to my will, warp minds, and twist the fate of those around me.
Now I give up, give in, surrender, and sit back until the world takes me in its tides of time.

Hear me now, it ends. I will find myself again. I will be myself again.
The world will fear my smile.

Icky, rainy, icy, snow, slush, and other words for crappy weather.
Took me around 2hrs to get home last night. the traffic was beyond slow and most of the drive wasn't even that bad.
This morning comming in was better. Lots of crappy rain, but no hold-ups.

Well my 40 days and nights didn't last too long. I think it went on for about 27ish hours before some one decided I don't need to be mentally cleansed. So now I place the blame of all reoccuring deviant vices on her.
Instead I have decided to try to clean the entire house. Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!
So for all of you who were all set to read of the ludricious pains of a sex starved man, instead you get to read about dusting and vaccuuming. Am I evil or what?

Got the TV room fairly cleaned last night. No more pet hair every where, some slight rearranging, and the furnature is just about clear. Also took on the front hallway. Cleaned off most of the roll top desk there and packed up the tools.

It was a much bigger job than it sounds.

Well its an ever loving monday. Friday's test didn't go so well. You know its not going to be good, when you flip through the test and don't know a single answer. Usually I'm about 50/50 of stuff I know and stuff I kind of know. this time it was 100/0 for stuff I did not know. I tried to answer almost all of the questions and with some...a lot of luck maybe I'll pass for the class.

Today I feel increadibly tired. I don't know why but I usually seem to come off of the weekend feeling less rested than when I go in.

In good news I'm pretty much done with classes. I have to makke a short presentation today at 3 ish and thats it.
In other good news I found a dollar on the elevator this AM, so woo hoo, coffee is on the fates of the universe. Or what ever sad sucker dropped the dollar.

I saw a few films this weekend.
First of "Spirderman 2", perhapse one of the best films I have ever seen. Sam Rami has done it again. Beautiful camera work, a good plot and great script. The visuals were nothing short of stunning. Its the kind of film here you end up jerking back and forth in your seat as things come flying by. I recomend it to all.

Then I saw "Hero" and let me say again, Quintot Tarention has done it again. The film had all the right ingredients to be awesome: ass kicking asianstar, good special effects team, a story potentially from chinese history, and a highly rated director. I never would have though I would see a Jet Li film and walk away thinking it sucked, but Tarentino iis a master film maker. Jets increadible speed and precision were shunted by crappy slow motion timing. Characters "flying" while fighting was beyond beleivable to the point of stupidity. The sound track was pure crap and the sound effects thhey used, down right annoying. Even the plot was slow and stupid, especially since we were shown the same thing 3 times from different ideas on what might have happened. Hell Even the End blew, though I almost cheered just because I knew I wouldn't have to watch any more. I can't in good concusious sugest this film to anyone and if you live close enough you can borrow my copy if you would like to spend a few hours doing MST 3K insults and talking over a peice of AV trash.

Well this is going to be short.
Day one would be going ok, if it wasn't that I have my last biochem test in under an hour and I know literally nothing.
I look at the sample questions and they look like a foreighn language. One I don't even know a handfull of words in. My only real hope is that the rest of the class is likewise as ignorant, but I somehow doubt it.
It really pisses me off to have come this far with the potential to F it all up now.

Oh and for those of you who still don't get it 40 days and 40 nights is not a Biblical Reference. Its a movie, look it up.

Now, on to death

The day is moving along kind of slow, but interestingly. I have my last biochem test tomorow and I haven't begun studying yet. I'm hoping it won't be too bad and that I will be able to slip out a smidge early.
I've been spending my time researching cool microRNAs which totally rocks. I'm very psyched to start work on that project.
Had a nice conversation with JB at lunch. She makes a good chat buddy.
There was a decent presentation just after that on small non-coding RNA. I have a feeling we're about to have some new leaps in biotech.

Home life is beginnig to drive me buggers. Every day seems like a new burst of irrationalism and paranoia. Not sure how much more I can deal with.
I am a cold and heartless person. Long ago I realized that for most of my life I would have no one to stand beside me but myself. The world cannot keep up with my pace and the sea of chaos in which I live is never the same twice. In my times of need, the icy wind is my only compagnion.
I can no longer relate to most of the world.

I'm conciderng giving that 40days and 40 nights thing a try. No not the rain, its a crappy movie. Look it up to understand the anology.
I think I need a mental wipe.

Well its a nice a rainy wensday. I have my final biochem test in two days. Work today has been slow. I think I'm at a bit of a stuck point as to what to do next.
Not too much else to report.